Sara Bartlett Brown

It has been quite difficult for me to recall details of my friendship with Nick. Some of this is due to the passage of time and the amount of change in my life since I first met Nick. But I also believe it's because there was an ‘in the moment’ quality to connecting with Nick. It felt like he was right there with you. Not off somewhere else. Not processing the previous thing. And not into the next thing. Just there with you.

Since Nick died I have been giving much thought to the Maya Angelou quote:

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

I first met Nick when I became his lodger in 2005. I was 23. Nick had a house on Rushdale road in Meersbrook and I rented his back bedroom. I didn’t live with him for long but Nick made a significant and meaningful impact on me. And if there is one thing I can certainly remember, it is how Nick made me feel.

Nick was a busy man! He wasn’t at home a great deal and was out and about seeing friends. It was striking how Nick talked about his family and friends. The importance of you all to him was palpable. Over the years it has been lovely to put a few faces to the names.

I can’t recall the work Nick was doing when I was his lodger. Someone else here can remember that! This is telling perhaps since Nick and I had very different lives and lifestyles at this time. Over time I found myself having more and more in common with Nick. But when we lived together he seemed unconventional and unlike anyone I had met previously.

What I recall is him and I frequently sitting at his kitchen table chatting, at random times of day! I would be sitting there, having probably cooked a frozen pizza or something equally processed and immediate! And he would sit there with a healthy snack of rice cakes and raw carrots or something! I noticed the disparity between our diet choices but there was no judgement of me from Nick. He never seemed to see me as less or lacking in any way. It didn't bother him that I was unable to discuss with him the works of Brecht!

I looked him up last week and was reminded that I had in fact been involved in a performance of the Caucasian Chalk circle in early secondary school. My lack of recollection of this says a lot about the education system I think. I wasn’t encouraged to “own” my learning and experience it as mine. I lacked confidence in my own intelligence in my early 20s and Nick’s friendship with me has very much supported its development.

An interest in education became a shared one over time and was one of the many varied subjects Nick and I would discuss when we moved from his kitchen table to cafes or social events over the next nearly 20 years.

I sustained a level of admiration for Nick that, were I not careful and were he a different kind of person, could have slipped into something of a sense of inadequacy. His proactive and unwavering commitment to making a difference in the world could give rise to comparison.

During one of the last ever conversations I had with Nick I exclaimed panicking “Nick! I can't drive, I don’t fly, I don’t eat meat, I recycle. What else am I supposed to do?!” I can’t actually recall what he said to me but what I remember is how I felt after I said it. I felt OK. He didn’t draw my attention to all the things I could have been doing that I wasn’t. He understood the extent of my responsibilities at home. He just took a caring interest and the conversation moved on as we walked slowly round the Botanical gardens. I will hugely miss these conversations.

Nick seemed fortunate not to experience much in the way of social anxiety. He had an ease about him in conversation and it seemed effortless and natural. Talking to him was always life enhancing. You got the sense that he was listening with a quality of curiosity and interest that gave rise to a sense of deep acceptance and care. The questions he asked came from that place.

He understood what I most cared about and what was important to me. He would ask me about Peter and our children. When I saw him he would ask me in such a genuine and spritely way “And how’s Pete!”

Nick was very important to us as a couple. Peter and I had a “shotgun wedding”! Nick very very kindly offered to take on the role of Master Of Ceremonies. He was of course completely brilliant. I remain incredibly grateful to him for doing this for us. He was instrumental in the day running to plan and what I most recall is his kindness on the build up. He must have said to me something like “Sara it is very important that you ask one or two people to take photographs because you won’t be able to remember it all otherwise” And he was absolutely correct of course. I am completely reliant on the photographs. Looking back at the pictures of Nick on the day I can see that he enjoyed himself. He delighted in being part of something for the benefit of others.

I found Nick’s profound sense of personal responsibility and deep sense of gratitude for his life hugely inspiring. I hope I have been able to make it clear the impact being Nick’s friend has had on me and on my life.